Single and Looking – 3 Things Not to Do

If you’re a single Christian and desired to be married… doesn’t it feel like a game and the rules keep changing? We’re given some pretty clear dating criteria in the Bible, which shrinks the pool of dating candidates dramatically. Then we go to the singles class at church to try and meet people to find only a handful of people that you’re actually attracted to. Several people are already dating each other and some… they just have some other stuff going on that makes dating them not a great idea. So basically you have two people to consider dating and it turns out they’re not interested in you. Then you go to the apps where you really can’t trust anything you’re reading or seeing there’s photos that are years old. That represent activities or trips that someone did one time in their life.

People say that their religion, their faith or their spiritualit is really important to them but you learn after chatting some more, If they actually respond, they haven’t been to church since they were about 10. You go to church and the pastor seems to keep doing sermon series on marriage, parenting, families or other related topics and completely leaves out the concept of singleness in their message.

Maybe your experience hasn’t been exactly like that. I bet you have experienced some level of frustration with just meeting people or being in a world that seems to revolve around couples. Not all single people want to be in a relationship or date. There’s nothing wrong with that if that is what God is calling them to do. But many singles do want to be married someday. When things seem to be at a standstill, it can be tough to keep putting yourself out there. It can also be tough to keep trusting that God has a plan for you.

I was single way longer than I wanted to be. I attended the largest church and worked at the largest company in my city. I was in two of the largest potential dating pools available to me at the time. I felt like every trip to the grocery store, every singles group outing was going to be the moment where I met Mr. Right and we would live happily ever after just like every hallmark or lifetime movie. I was educated, athletic, social, funny and I had lots of friends. I had made some pretty good decisions throughout my life. I wasn’t perfect but I was a catch! But… it just wasn’t happening. As I got older, more and more people I’d been friends with were getting married. They were starting their own families so even my friend pool started shrinking.

The waiting and all the failed attempts at dating… Weighed heavy on me. I wanted to be married a lot. By nature, I am a pretty easy going person, but I could see myself making so much out of the littlest interactions. What did it mean if he put his hand on the table? Oh, I sat next to him in church today. Did that mean something? The desperation was maddening.

I had dated a guy for a few months and we broke it off. I was crushed. Not so much because I couldn’t see him anymore, but because I had to start the search over again. I realized it wasn’t even about the person. It was about the process. That was the final straw for me. I told God, “I give up.” If he wanted me to be married, the guy was going to have to show up at my front door and ring the doorbell. I was tired of living my life this way. I was going to give it all to him. I was going to pursue him and what gave me joy. I was determined that if I was going to be single at 60 or 70 years old, that I was going to have an amazing life. But God…. I’ll tell you what happened in a little bit, but I want to share with you three things to keep in mind if you are single and want to be married and it just hasn’t happened yet.

Don’t snub that you’re loved. Don’t miss the love of God for you, because you’re looking for the love of a spouse. God will always love you and love you more than any man or woman could. Fall in love with who he is and desire his will.

Making God your first love will fulfill you in every way for your whole life. Your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife… they’ll love you, but they will let you down because they are a sinning human, just like you are. First and foremost, make sure God is first in your life.

Romans 8:38 says, For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And then you may have heard this one, but it pretty much says it all about how God loves us.

John 3:16. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

If you want to know more about what God says about love, relationships and marriage, one of the best studies done on dating relationships is from pastor Tommy Nelson called The Song of Solomon. It’s based off of the book in the Bible by the same name. I distinctly remember him teaching the idea of pursuing Jesus with everything you have and then looking to your left and to your right to see who’s running beside you to find your potential dating pool. It’s very practical, very biblical based teaching, and highly recommend. It’s free and it is an older piece but God’s word doesn’t change. Everything in this still applies to you today. It would be a great study for a singles group or to complete on your own or with your significant other.

Here are few other studies that you should consider:

The New Rules of Love, $ex, and Dating

Boundaries in Dating: How healthy choices grow relationships

Love & Respect

For Women Only

For Men Only

This is the best time to learn as much as you can so that you can follow God’s instructions.

Be wise, don’t compromise. The instructions about marriage and the Bible are amazing. If you are actively looking for someone to date, court and marry you need to be very confident and knowledgeable about what God has told us. If you’re not holding these things close to your heart, your heart could lead you down some paths that you don’t want to go. It could lead you to consider someone you know you should not be dating. Places you know you should not go and seeking activities that you know you should not do. Stay loyal to scripture when it comes to dating and marriage, because hormones rushing, hearts skipping a beat, feeling loved by someone you love, and all the feelings you’ll have when you feel like you’re fitting into society as a couple will be so powerful.

These feelings and emotions are probably the best thing that God gave us but without restraint, they can also cause us to make decisions that are not wise. If you find yourself saying, ”…but you just don’t understand,” “… that won’t happen to us,” or “…but we’re different…” These phrases should be a red flag to you, your family, your friends. Anytime you’re making excuses for yourself or your significant other about your behavior and decisions, you need to have a reality check with your closest friends and family.

The truth is you are not that different. Humans and dating and marriage are not new concepts for the world. A lot of people have done it and people who have been married a long time, probably know a lot more about relationships than you do. It is wise to listen and learn from them. If your closest friend or family member is questioning your relationship, you should listen. It doesn’t mean they are right, or that they understand everything about your situation, but the fact that they have more life experience or that they love you should be enough for you to stop and listen and consider what they’re saying.

The Bible has so much to say on marriage and dating. When I was looking up the verses for this, literally the list was huge. Here’s just a couple of things, but please go and read as much as you can about this subject. It is so available and it will save you so much heartbreak.

Who does the Bible say we should be looking for?

2 Corinthians 6:14, Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? Basically, we should only date, court and marry other believers. People that share a common belief in Jesus and are living a life for him.

What do you look for in a wife? What kind of woman should other women aspire to be as a wife?

Proverbs 31. You’ve probably heard about this one. Please go look it up. It starts. An excellent wife who can find she is far more precious than jewels…

It goes on for 21 more verses. After you read it, ladies, ask yourself, are you pursuing excellence and Christ honoring God, by the way you live. Men are you seeking these kinds of behaviors in women? This is not an exact checklist, but certainly things to pursue and aspire to become more like.

What to look for in a husband? What kind of man should men aspire to be?

Colossians 3:19 Husbands love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Ladies, how’s he treating you? There is no excuse for harshness, sharp words or belittling. Men, how are you talking to her? You will get upset at some point but practice being kind in your response.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they’re heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Careful ladies, this doesn’t mean you’re weaker. It means you are more like a valuable vase that someone would want to protect.

Ephesians 5:31, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

Men should establish independence from their families. When they marry, he won’t be dependent on his parents and can provide for his own family. So how should husbands and wives act toward each other?

1 Corinthians 7:2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman, her own husband.

$ex is beautiful, but it was 100% designed for marriage. Are you honoring God and each other when it comes to purity? God is very clear on one man and one woman. And if you’re going to spend any time in the scripture getting dating and marriage advice. Just go to 1 Corinthians 7 and read the whole thing.

Don’t hate the wait. I drove myself crazy trying to speed up the process. Literally trying to force a meeting or force an opportunity and being so hurried to find someone. The truth is, if I had been trusting God, surrendered to him completely, on this particular thing, I could have let go of all of the anxiety and worry and had more peace and joy in my life. If God wanted me to be married, wasn’t He big enough, powerful enough, to make it happen?

We have to commit to memory that our timing expectations are not on the same scale of time that God uses. It’s possible to desire marriage and be content with being single. If we’re trusting him, it’ll work out just fine. Whenever that will be. In the meantime, we have some things that we should be doing to prepare for marriage and for our spouse:

Work on becoming a whole person. Start to heal hurts and hangups so you’ll have these things in a better place before you’re dating, in a serious relationship or headed towards marriage. There are several churches that offer Celebrate Recovery programs and plenty of Christian counselors out there that can help you work through some of these struggles. Use this wait time to get yourself healthy for a close relationship. Seek out peace in all areas of your life.

Stay connected with other believers. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you are alone. Get plugged in to some singles groups at church or join a women’s or men’s Bible study. Remember it’s about seeking God first and growing closer to him so that doesn’t always have to be co-ed. Build trust and God will deliver on His will for you.

Psalm 37:4. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

1 Corinthians 7 There it is again! Verses 33-35: But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy and body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

Start serving. Because married people and families have their hands full and you have the time that they don’t. When they have school, homework, juggling careers, childcare, laundry, in-laws, etc. You can focus on serving others and getting involved. Plus we all know that Church events and home gatherings always have the best food.

Don’t make your happiness contingent on being married. If you’re 32 and God’s plan for you is to be married when you’re 68 years old… How are you going to live your life in between? You can choose to be sad and frustrated, or you can choose to use the time in between singled and married statuses, to seek out those things that will make your life… Wonderful. Pursue the things you enjoy. Help people that you love. Get to know Jesus in a personal way. You get to determine how you’re going to spend the time until God works things together for marriage. If that’s what he has for you. If marriage isn’t part of the plan, then you can be content knowing that you have led a full and abundant life.

What would you be more attracted to? Someone who’s desperate and frustrated. Or someone who’s filled with peace and invigorated with life. You get to choose how you will live your life as a single. Choose wisely.

So to finish the dating story… Once I decided to surrender my desire for marriage to God, it took just a few months before I met my husband. He was the new guy at church and I had my friend’s boyfriend ask him to join us for lunch with some of the other singles after church. We ended up dating for a few months but then parted ways for over a year. Interesting though, we remained friends. Through some interesting circumstances… we started talking more and then we started hanging out as friends. Eventually we started dating for nine months before we got engaged and then married nine months later.

The year that we were just friends was the biggest example of how God works things together. We were both really ready and we could start to work on what life might look like together. God worked everything together for us and at the right time. It was so different from when I was trying to force everything. I didn’t have to force anything. I was more tuned into the real feelings and emotions rather than the hallmark versions. God’s plan was better than mine. He had it all worked out for me and I just needed to trust him.

That’s my prayer for you too. That you’ll take your desire for marriage and use it to get prepared by becoming a better human. That you’ll use the time as a single for the good of others. That you will really enjoy this time in your life and get closer to Jesus. Trust that God knows what’s best as much as you can so that setbacks, failed relationships, no responses on apps, and no prospects situations are not a big deal because you know, it’ll all work out. What a great way to give a testimony to those around you by how you deal with those disappointments or fears by having hope in Jesus and in God’s promises.

Please share this with other singles in your life for encouragement. And if you need to… read this again, because sometimes we just need to hear how much God loves us over and over again.